Digesting My Feelings

No one can tell you how to feel and unfortunately sometimes you can't help how you feel even if what you feel seems crazy and irrational. 

I had friends having perfectly healthy babies and I was a first time mommy myself. To say I didn’t want to have to deal with any of this was a TOTAL understatement. I was full of an array of emotions and millions of thoughts ran through my head. I went from being completely happy to full of worry and everything in between. I was happy, angry, scared, nervous, worried, concerned, and mad individually and all at the same time. What was wrong with me and my ability to give birth! 

She was perfectly healthy in the womb. Why did this happen to her .... was it my fault? Was it my anatomy? Were my hips not big enough to bear a child? Could I have pushed harder? Could I have done something different? Did I gain too much weight during my pregnancy? What will this mean when we conceive again? Will I have to get a C-Section? Do I want a C-Section? Can I try for a natural birth again? Could this have been prevented? Was it my doctor's fault? Did she really do all she could to the best of her ability? Should I sue her? How could she not know the baby was so big? Is it the ultrasound tech's fault? How could she be a whole pound off? Will my daughter ever be able to use her arm? How much function will she get back? When will we see improvements? Will we have to do therapy? Are their specialists for this kind of thing? Where can I find one? Where is the best specialist? Will she look different than other kids? Will she be limited in her activities? Will other kids make fun of her? Why? When? What? The questions never ended in my head. 

Nothing broke my heart more than seeing her arm hang there and having to explain to E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E what happened and that they couldn't hurt her if they touched or held her. I was sick of explaining to everyone over and over. We were new parents I only wanted to enjoy my baby girl. This just wasn't fair. Instead, I was worried about what came next. 

I hate to admit that I felt this way but I was jealous of all my friends having perfectly healthy babies. Don't get me wrong I was completely happy for them because I didn't want them to deal with what we were going through, but I was jealous. I felt relieved when I heard that someones kid had even a minor issue because I felt that we weren't alone. Then, I felt guilty for feeling that way. These thoughts and emotions just cycled around and around in my head on a daily basis. 

I was also mad that I had such a difficult delivery. Why me!!! WHY HER!!!! The worst was hearing stories from your friends about how easy their deliveries were, how the baby just slid right out, and how tiny the baby was. I would hear stories about people having twins where their weight combined wasn't as much as my daughter (she was 9lb 7oz). 

On the other end, I felt happy. There were worse things that could have happened. My daughter was here. She was alive. She was healthy. She was ALL OURS!!!! Everything about her was perfect. We were first time parents so we had to remember to enjoy everything that came with parenthood as well, and we did. 

Although I felt robbed of so many things during my delivery I loved that baby girl. After I returned to work and explained for the 100th time to my colleagues what happened during delivery one teacher made the comment that since I was an occupational therapist that "I was meant to be Ardyn's mommy." She may never know it but that statement stuck with me and helped put things into perspective. I was meant to be her mom! I was meant to be her mom! She needed me now more than ever and I would do anything and everything I could for her.