Digesting My Feelings

No one can tell you how to feel and unfortunately sometimes you can't help how you feel even if what you feel seems crazy and irrational. 

I had friends having perfectly healthy babies and I was a first time mommy myself. To say I didn’t want to have to deal with any of this was a TOTAL understatement. I was full of an array of emotions and millions of thoughts ran through my head. I went from being completely happy to full of worry and everything in between. I was happy, angry, scared, nervous, worried, concerned, and mad individually and all at the same time. What was wrong with me and my ability to give birth! 

She was perfectly healthy in the womb. Why did this happen to her .... was it my fault? Was it my anatomy? Were my hips not big enough to bear a child? Could I have pushed harder? Could I have done something different? Did I gain too much weight during my pregnancy? What will this mean when we conceive again? Will I have to get a C-Section? Do I want a C-Section? Can I try for a natural birth again? Could this have been prevented? Was it my doctor's fault? Did she really do all she could to the best of her ability? Should I sue her? How could she not know the baby was so big? Is it the ultrasound tech's fault? How could she be a whole pound off? Will my daughter ever be able to use her arm? How much function will she get back? When will we see improvements? Will we have to do therapy? Are their specialists for this kind of thing? Where can I find one? Where is the best specialist? Will she look different than other kids? Will she be limited in her activities? Will other kids make fun of her? Why? When? What? The questions never ended in my head. 

Nothing broke my heart more than seeing her arm hang there and having to explain to E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E what happened and that they couldn't hurt her if they touched or held her. I was sick of explaining to everyone over and over. We were new parents I only wanted to enjoy my baby girl. This just wasn't fair. Instead, I was worried about what came next. 

I hate to admit that I felt this way but I was jealous of all my friends having perfectly healthy babies. Don't get me wrong I was completely happy for them because I didn't want them to deal with what we were going through, but I was jealous. I felt relieved when I heard that someones kid had even a minor issue because I felt that we weren't alone. Then, I felt guilty for feeling that way. These thoughts and emotions just cycled around and around in my head on a daily basis. 

I was also mad that I had such a difficult delivery. Why me!!! WHY HER!!!! The worst was hearing stories from your friends about how easy their deliveries were, how the baby just slid right out, and how tiny the baby was. I would hear stories about people having twins where their weight combined wasn't as much as my daughter (she was 9lb 7oz). 

On the other end, I felt happy. There were worse things that could have happened. My daughter was here. She was alive. She was healthy. She was ALL OURS!!!! Everything about her was perfect. We were first time parents so we had to remember to enjoy everything that came with parenthood as well, and we did. 

Although I felt robbed of so many things during my delivery I loved that baby girl. After I returned to work and explained for the 100th time to my colleagues what happened during delivery one teacher made the comment that since I was an occupational therapist that "I was meant to be Ardyn's mommy." She may never know it but that statement stuck with me and helped put things into perspective. I was meant to be her mom! I was meant to be her mom! She needed me now more than ever and I would do anything and everything I could for her. 

Our Story

I am hoping to highlight one person's story a week since each person's story is so different. Listening to others was an important part of the "healing & dealing" process for me. Finding bits and pieces of peoples stories that I could relate to. I have had a few people say they were willing to tell their stories so as long as there is a story to tell, I will post it! You can e-mail me at jacsbpiblog@hotmail.com if you would like to share your story!

Here's our story ....

Nothing is more exciting than finding out your pregnant - especially after you've been trying. We found out I was pregnant January 2013 with a September 2013 due date. We were ecstatic! I knew I didn't want to find out what we were having because I wanted it to be a surprise. 

During my pregnancy we found out that I had a marginal insertion of the umbilical cord. Let me explain.... Think of the placenta as a bulls eye and the umbilical cord as a dart. The dart's goal would be to hit the bulls eye dead center. In our case, the dart had just missed the bulls eye. Think of it as hitting the ring right around the bull’s-eye. Initially, I freaked out! What did this mean for the baby?!?! What it meant was monthly ultrasounds to make sure the baby was growing and getting all the nutrients he/she needed - I could deal with that and prayed that the baby would grow okay! The ultrasounds were an added perk for us because each month we got to see our little bundle of joy and we were thankful that week after week she was growing just as she should be!

Our final ultrasound was on September 23^rd and they estimated the baby was about 8lbs 5oz. They also told us that this was just an “estimate” but that the tech usually estimated on the high side. However, the baby can be off pound either way (so give or take a pound). At our last appointment on September 25^th we scheduled an appointment for me to be induced the next day. I was going to be a first time mommy and I don't know many people who like going over their arbitrary due date. I knew I was ready to hold that "little" peanut. Later we would find out that this decision was probably one of the best decisions we ever made.  

We arrived at the hospital EARLY that morning and the induction went according to plan the first 12 or so hours. I had terrible back labor so I opted for the epidural earlier than I had hoped. Around 7:00pm that evening was when I started to push. Everything seemed pretty normal until, I’m not really sure at one point, the doctor started getting a panic look on her face. I was at the end of my rope pushing (and the epidural did not work nearly as well as I though it should because I felt A LOT)! As the doctor became more and more panicked the next thing I knew she called some sort of "code" and within seconds 5-6 extra nurses ran into the room. Including one who jumped up onto the bed pushing her fist into my abdomen as heard as she could, and telling me to push (I will never forget her face). The next however long was kind of a blur. We didn't even know if the baby was a he or she. My husband told me that things were crazy and I'm sure there are some details he purposefully left out (which I don't ever care to know and thank him for this). Once the baby was born she was whisked over to the incubator table to make sure she was breathing. My husband never even got to cut the cord, but after they knew the baby was breathing the doctor opened the baby's legs to show my husband that it was A GIRL! Like I said, this part was quite the whirlwind so I'm not exactly sure the exact order of everything. I instructed my husband not to leave our daughters side. The origional "plan" was to have skin to skin right after birth but at this point, "plans" were only good intentions. I know my husband was trying to keep everyone quiet but I knew something was wrong as I could hear doctors and nurses talking about her "arm." Being an occupational therapist and even in my shocked and groggy state, I managed to mumble "is it a brachial plexus injury?"  Despite my husbands good intentions to keep the doctors and nurses quiet, because he knows I'm a worrier, I could hear doctors and nurses talking about her shoulder being "stunned" and possibly a broken clavicle and/or humerus. She would have to go get x-rays to be sure. She did have full movement in her wrist and fingers which I was thankful for! When they finally brought her over for skin to skin I was excited to finally get to see my baby girl. However, I was still trying to digest everything that just happened. I don't think I can exactly explain ALL the thoughts that went through my head but I was concerned about her and what this meant for her. She was healthy and had all her appendages but seeing her poor little right arm hanging there broke my heart into a trillion pieces. 

My baby girl weighed in at a whopping 9lb 7oz, a pound in the direction I hoped it wouldn't go (so much for erring on the high side). The x-rays came back clear and likely confirmed what I had originally thought......brachial plexus injury. At that moment I had an array of mixed emotions. I had learned about brachial plexus injuries in school but despite being a therapist, everything I knew when out the window. I was a MOM now and that came first. I don't know how many of you believe in "signs" but despite all my worrying, for one minute I felt a complete calm wash over me the day we were leaving the hospital saying "don't worry everything will be okay." I knew that message was from my grandma watching over us from the heavens above. As quick as that moment came, it went, and back to worrying I went but I knew I would move mountains from my little girl! 

Let's Do This Thing....

Okay, I've never blogged before but I have wanted to do this for a little while now. I originally wanted to create a webpage but thought I would try this blogging thing first and see where it took me. There's always room to be bigger and better, right? The main purpose of this blog is to serve as a support for parents who have a child with a Brachial Plexus Injury (BPI). My daughter has had a BPI from a traumatic birth and the one thing that helped me was listening and reading others' stories. It gave me something to relate to, helped me deal with what I was going through, and gave me hope! That is what I hope this blog does for you! I would LOVE you to comment and share your stories. If you e-mail me I can even post your story here. My goal is to post at least once a week.... with that being said, I am also the mother of 2 kids under the age of 2 (and they're not twins) so we have our hands pretty full. The other interesting thing about me is that I am an Occupational Therapist. Most children are referred to an Occupational Therapist for this type of injury. Being a therapist has put an interesting twist to our situation and my other hope is to post some treatment activities that I felt have worked for my daughter. We have had a WONDERFUL team of occupational therapists, physical therapists, and intervention specialists along the way and I want to share that with all of you! Please, please, please share your thoughts, feelings, and stories!!! Here goes nothing…. ENJOY!